


Cleanse

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-09
Updated: 2013-01-09
Packaged: 2017-11-24 07:59:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/632194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gamtav sadstuck oneshot. Tavros cheats on Gamzee with his ex girlfriend Jade and Gamzee just can't take it anymore.<br/>Multiple self harm, suicide, and all around depressing triggers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cleanse

Your name is Gamzee Makara and your eyes have finally dried up after hours of crying. All you can think about is your beloved Tavros. How he smelled like Jade’s sour apple perfume when he came home to you last night. And how his face had been slightly flushed, something that didn’t happen as often as it used to when you were children. His blush used to trigger butterflies and a fluttering heart, now it only brought on weak knees and nausea. You’ve begun to realize that the lovely red of his flush was no longer a sign of love, but of betrayal.

He and Jade had dated before, a bit after he and Vriska were a thing and a bit before you two had gotten together. From his drunken and bitter mouth spewed all the horrible things she had done to him; how she had left him and come back countless times until they were off and on every week for months at a time and how during the last few months they were together she had treated him like shit. Back then you and Tavros were a secret. They met in bars late at night and you had given him what Jade chose not to. You had given him love. And while Tavros had been with you out of anger and spite and loneliness, you liked to make yourself believe it was love. You made yourself believe that he was cheating on Jade because he loved you, you believed you would be his last and that you would make him the happiest man in the world.

It’s only now that you’re beginning to see that your dreams will never come true. Funny, you think, how a man who used to believe so much in dreams and magic and happiness could bring you so much distress and crush every dream you had with a single wave of his hand.

The two of you would lay in your basement and talk for hours, rambling about your hopes and dreams and the things that made you happy and the people who made you mad. By the end of the night he was a jumbling mess of anger, talking about Jade and telling you everything you didn’t want to hear. How he didn’t love her, but would still take her back. How they used to be so cute together. How they would fuck. You hated it, it physically pained you to hear the emotion in his voice when he mentioned her, but you put up with it like a good friend. Figuring that he was still raw from their relationship and that he would soon bury the memories he had of her. Replacing them instead with thoughts of you.

That never happened. Maybe because you weren’t ever good enough to replace her. Yea, that’s probably it. Thinking back on it you realize you shouldn’t have been so stupid. You should have gotten out of that relationship before it was too late. You just couldn’t help yourself. This tan skinned boy with the shaggy mohawk and a lopsided grin had stolen your heart and there was no way you were ever going to get it back.

Even now, as you’re slumped on the bathroom floor trying to hold back dry sobs you try to think that maybe he’s worried about you. Maybe as he’s with her, he’s thinking of you. Maybe he’ll be guilty and he’ll come back crying and filled with regret. He’ll beg you to take him back and you’ll accept him with open arms because you’re nothing but a spineless, pathetic piece of shit. You sit here and you pinch yourself, you pull your hair, you resist the urge to scratch out your eyes because that’s a wound that won’t disappear by morning. You deserve to hurt because you can’t give Tavros what he wants, what he needs. You want to scream and kick and break something, but you won’t. Instead you pick up your phone and you call that piece of shit, about to tell him exactly what you think of him and what you want to do once you get your hands around his neck. You’ll choke the life out of him and laugh while he begs for his life, cries and says he’s sorry that he’ll never do it again. You want to paint the walls with his sickeningly sweet blood, draw marks in his body with a knife, claim his dead body as your’s because if you can’t have him when he’s living then that Jade bitch sure as hell can’t. You think this with a wicked grin on your face as the line rings and rings and rings. Finally, he picks up.

“Hello?” He’s panting and breatheless. Fuck, does he even try to cover up what he’s doing?

“H-hey, Tav.” You mutter. “It’s getting kinda late… don’t want you to get your hurry on, but when do you think you’ll be home?” You hear the ruffling of sheets and you hold back a gag as you picture him nude beside Jade, bringing his finger to his lips for her to be quiet.

“Oh.. uh… I’m actually on my way home right now.” He laughs a bit. You bite your lip and try not to scream at him.

“Alright, motherfucker. I’ll see ya when ya get here. I love you, a lot.” Your voice cracks as you say that and you hope he didn’t realize it. You wait for him to say something back, but you realize the line went dead. You sit there and look at your phone, fresh tears stinging at your swollen eyes. You scream and throw your phone at the wall, watching it break and land with a crack on the floor. You should have taken Karkat’s warning when he said getting tangled up in this was a bad idea. “If he cheats on someone with you, then he’ll cheat on you too.” Motherfuckin’ wise advice, you think. 

You crawl over to the sink and start rooting through the cupboard below it. You don’t even know what you’re looking for when you spot a bottle of bleach. You don’t even know what you’re doing when you twist open the cap and bring your lips to the rim. 

All you know is that the love of your life is with someone else. And you will never be good enough for him. 

Your name is Gamzee Makara, and you utter a little “cheers” before cleansing yourself of this life.


End file.
